First off - I wasn't paid for any of this and didn't receive anything free. Deep breath. Ok.

We recently had an awesome experience with Personalization Mall, where we ordered a custom address stake for our yard, because we don't have numbers on our door any more and the pizza men were getting frazzled, if you wanna be honest. One guy sped off numerous times, up and down the street, before finally figuring out that the girl standing outside (me) was flagging him down. It ruined his life.

So yeah, a few days after I ordered we got our yard stake and it was great quality and I was super impressed and wanted to promote them on my own free will... being the sweet person I am (PERSONALIZATION MALL, SEND ME FREE STUFF FOR MY KINDNESS).

Here's a sample of some of their cute, non-cheesy stuff. Look how adorable these personalized canvas pictures are for a nursery. They're all around the $20-30 mark:

So yes, I was looking at their Mother's Day special (free shipping on orders over $65) and also checking out some recent coupons posted for them (up to 15% off - I love RetailMeNot). Plus you get 7.5% cash back automatically with Ebates. Yes, automatically. Yes, it's legit. I already got my money.

Ok - so onto some of the cute Mother's Day presents I saw, liked, and wanted to be frugal & share. Remember - all of these things are personalized (with initials, messages, names, dates, etc. just depending on the item) and the personalization is free.



So those are just a few of the choices that I thought were cute without being over the top or tacky. Remember if you buy to do it before the special ends, and to sign up and shop through Ebates (it's free) so you get cash back automatically. More presents to come my lovelies. I must hint, hint, hint to Billy about what I'm wanting for myself you know... (prenatal massage, prenatal massage, prenatal massageeee).

What are you planning on getting your mama? What do you want for yourself... and don't say your baby is enough cause girl, I know you're tired and wanting some pamperin'.

You should know this.

You came before you were expected. Way before. And it took me a couple of weeks before I stopped holding my breath randomly at moments, lost in a cloud of worry and frustration. I felt sick. I felt weak. I felt unprepared. So instead of facing the reality of your appearance head on, I let it trickle in slowly, as I felt I could handle it. At first it was just survival mode... trying to keep myself from throwing up my food or waking up every hour, anxious and restless. Then I started ignoring it all. Ignoring my rapidly growing belly and my bad skin and strange dreams.

People tried to convince me of my good fortune.

"Oh they'll be best friends!"

"You're so blessed to even have babies!"

"You can be done with the baby stage all at once!"

I repeated them to myself daily, and although I saw their merit, I still felt like I was standing on shaky ground. I felt guarded. I felt afraid. They just weren't convincing me the way they wanted to, though I pretended they were.

===================================

At around 11 weeks pregnant, I felt a flutter. I second-guessed myself because... I mean... there's no way. And us women who have already been through pregnancy kind of roll our eyes at the first-time pregg0rz women and their announcements of symptoms, because we're like, "Yeah yeah, wait until you're 30 weeks pregnant, buddy." I'm not saying it's nice or fair. You earn your own badge of nutty ridiculousness in your pregnancy, and then you watch other people earn theirs and you feel all righteous like, "There's no WAY she could be showing yet. She's 8 seconds pregnant. Nauseous already? Yeah right."

It's just a thing.

But in all of the tiredness, the gagging at random things, the strange pulling sensations, the emotional outbursts... I haven't really allowed myself to pause. And exhale. And think about you, separately, apart from Billy and apart from Everly. When I daydream of you, it's always in context of the family... what Everly will be teaching you, how she'll be treating you.

Today while I was putting some towels in the dryer, I felt movement again. A lot of people told me that movement would feel like butterflies with Everly - but it never really did. It always felt like popcorn or maybe a frog... I don't know... I called it fluttering but I never understood the butterfly description. But today I stopped and smiled, and rubbed my belly in the place where I felt a little butterfly spread it's wings. It was just me and you in that moment.

My baby. My little baby in there growing strong. I am falling in love with you. Be patient with me. I have less time to daydream... less time to marinate... but I have a feeling I won't need as much time with you. You're going to grow on me quickly. You're making your presence known already.

In the end, the only convincing I needed was from you... and it started with a flutter.

Wow, oh, wow. The last week has brought about some big changes.

For starters, I had a job interview for a part-time therapist position at a community mental health agency about 20 minutes away. The job would be 3 days per week, allow me to work on my licensing hours, and keep me fresh in the counseling field. I'd be working with adults with severe and persistent mental health issues, meaning they have multiple diagnoses, and most of them are personality disorders and mood disorders. This is very similar to what I did for most of my internship experiences, only I worked with adolescents instead of adults. This is an all day therapeutic rehabilitation program, so we'd be doing individual and group therapy, as well as arts & crafts time, life skills development, and milieu management.

I'm not sure if I'll be offered the job or not, but because I have a few other options lined up, I decided it was time to start looking for childcare "just in case". I prayed about it and while I am happy to be a stay at home mama, I am ready to use part of my time in my other passion... no not eating chocolate and taking long showers... but helping others.

Insert Random Cutie Picture of Everly
at Lunch Today

So.

The first thing I wanted to decide was whether I should use a nanny or daycare. Here are some basic pros/cons I came up with:

Nanny Pros
-More individualized attention
-Could watch at our house
-Becomes a part of the family
-Can take Everly places (like playgroup meetups)

Nanny Cons
-May be uninterested in part-time work
-Little exposure to other people/babies
-Less state regulation
-Less accountability

Daycare Pros
-More regulation by the state
-Exposure to more people and babies
-Curriculum that must be followed
-Can be used until the child is ready for school
-Accountability for staff/facility

Daycare Cons
-Will be sick more often
-Expensive
-Less individualized attention

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I felt like I was leaning toward using both. A daycare for 2 days per week, and a nanny for 1 day per week. But how could I find a daycare that took part-time babies?

That's where references came in. I posted on Facebook, emailed other mamas I knew, and posted a message on my mom playgroup message board, which is where I got a referral to the daycare we discovered today. We'll call it Happy Place, because I don't trust you all... kidnappers.

So anyway!

This place received really great reviews online and with moms I knew. It was also the most expensive I had heard of in town, so I figured it had to be different in some way for them to be able to charge what they were (even for just 2 days).

Billy and I walked in and both looked disheveled. It had been raining, I was wearing flip-flops even though it's like 50 degrees today, and Billy didn't wear his wedding ring because he forgot it. If you've ever seen us, you understand the significance of this... we look like teenagers, it's just the truth... so when we look disheveled, we look irresponsible and kind of... ridiculous. So that was fun since this kind of looked like... well... a rich people place, to be honest. And I mean that as a compliment... but I gotta keep it real. B and I are both from rural communities, so daycares are just... different in my head... like babies are running around with diapers on their heads and knocking stuff over and falling into the dirty floor in a puddle of tears.

Drama is my middle name.

Happy Place was impressive. I was looking for clean, bright, non-cluttered, and a friendly staff. I found all of the above, as well as the fact that it's God-centered, there are webcams so you can check in on your baby all day long, it is roomy but cozy, and it just gave me that.... positive gut feeling, I guess you could say. And it's not easy to give me a positive gut feeling when I'm hungry and nauseated!

I'm one of those people who bases decisions on intuition and feeling (ENFP, anyone?) and I felt really good about Happy Place. I'm almost ready to make the commitment, but I am checking out some nannies. Using a nanny just one day per week instead of the daycare would save us $40-50 a month. Plus the nanny I'm looking into has kids, takes them to playgroups regularly, and has some great references from what I've seen. She is also the organizer of our playgroup & has been for a while - and our playgroup has over 100 members. So she's got her stuff together.

While it's not easy mentally or emotionally thinking about childcare for your baby that you've been at home with the last 9 months, it's also not easy being someone that enjoys their profession and putting it on hold forever and always missing it. I think striking a balance was important to me. I'll still be home with Everly more often than not, I've given her a great foundation for attachment, and I'll be prepared to go into full-time work when Everly & the new baby are old enough for school.

It's a perfect set-up. Now to see if it's a perfect execution.

I am a tired girl.

The truth is, I've sat down to write a few times but I feel like my story is redundant right now. First trimesters are not kind to me, and I am not fond of them in return. Though I know it's a common sentiment that I should "count my blessings" and "realize how lucky I am" and "just be thankful" - that's hard to do when you feel like you're constantly motion sick, bloated to the brink of explosion, swallowing huge amounts of excess saliva (yup, it's one of my favorite symptoms), and trying to find even one food that sounds appetizing and has some type of nutritional content in it.

I'm tired of having to be careful about complaining, to avoid hurt feelings. It's hard to not complain when you feel like your life has been hijacked. It's just hard. And women should be "allowed" to be upset, confused, anxious, and sick (even though they're also blessed, lucky, and thankful).

So my days have been spent mustering up energy to maintain some normalcy amidst my zero energy curse. Then Everly and I came down with colds and I was sure the universe had turned against me, because you know... everything is a catastrophe right now (another great emotional symptom).

I can barely change Everly's diapers. I can't do the dishes because of the smell. I am having trouble cleaning the house because I feel faint and dizzy within seconds. And food is disgusting right now. Just about all food. My belly is already showing, and though it's cute and I knew I would pop much earlier since it was my 2nd pregnancy and so close to my 1st, I'd be lying if I didn't say I am worried at how large I could possibly be by 30+ weeks. Ahhhhhhh.

Yeah. That's me. At a little over 9 weeks. Oddly I've lost 3lbs?

Audible moaning. Me rolling around on the ground.

The stretchmarks on my side are the only ones I got with Everly, by the way. Please let that be the case w/ this little buddy too? If you do I will give you free cupcakes?

No? No bargaining? Ok.

(Who am I talking to?)

So yes. I'm in the phase where I feel negative and overwhelmed. I know there is light at the end of the tunnel. I very well remember how happy I became in my 2nd trimester. But getting there is bumpy, and it makes me feel quiet and withdrawn and lonely and like a big baby. And this time I can't be as dependent because I'm a BIG GIRL NOW! and it's crap. I like being juvenile and wollering in misery.

It's all very dramatic, friends.