Sharing Responsbility
Posted by Kalen on Sunday, March 6, 2011. Filed under: Marriage, Parenting, responsbility
My husband and I are still, 8 months later, trying to figure out who should do what when it comes to taking care of the baby. For the most part, we have all the housework stuff figured out, though we still do occasionally remind each other to, "Take out the trash!" or "Do the dishes!" which ends up in sassy comments back and forth, but baby care is still... up in the air.
So. Everly is mostly my responsbility through the week. The only thing Billy is responsible for is coming home (around 5:30 or 6:00pm), playing with her for an hour or so, and giving her the bedtime bottle. So for about an hour and a half after he gets home, he takes care of Everly while I get a much-needed break. He usually enjoys this because he's missed her all day, and it's their special time.
However... there are times when Billy's brain is fried & he feels heavy all over & he just wants to come home and completely unwind. He wants to lay on the couch like a rock and not move, maybe idly flipping through the TV channels or picking at fuzz balls on his socks. This happens about once a week. On those nights, he'll scoop up Everly and entertain her for about 30 minutes, but then he's just... done. So he'll want me to do her bedtime bottle.
Here's my issue.
I am also done. No my brain isn't fried because I had to design software for a multi-million dollar project. My brain is fried because I listened to Everly fuss for 2 hours because she was sleepy but didn't want to take a nap. Or because I had to figure out how to fix myself something to eat while simultaneously staying in her line of vision. Or because I had to call 10 different places about 10 different bills that are wrong, all while bouncing my foot up & down to entertain Everly so she doesn't feel neglected. I feel heavy all over because I've carried our baby, picked up her toys, chased her around, taken her in & out of the bath and highchair, scrambled to take my own shower, and taken a walk down the street with Everly and our dog.
So I get what it feels like to be done. And need to unwind. And want alone time.
And I have to admit, that I have been selfish. While I have taken the nighttime bottle for Billy a handful of times, when he wanted to go to wrestling practice or had to work late, I mostly make him stick to his end of the deal, suck it up, and do it. And don't get me wrong, it's not like it turns into this blown-out-of-proportion fight where we throw pillows at each other's faces, but there is definitely some whining involved and I just feel like... it's 8 months into this game... let's just do what we're supposed to and kind of get over it?
But then I'm hypocritical.
On the weekends, we share care 50/50. If he gets one bottle, I'll get the next, etc. We try to split playtime and diaper changes, as well. This has worked for the most part, however... I find that if I need Billy to get an extra bottle for me (because maybe I didn't get a chance to shower, or need to do some housework) he'll get all competitive and remind me that he just did the LAST bottle and this is MY bottle to do! Then I'll get mad at him for whining, but he's really just wanting me to hold up my end of the bargain - the same way I make him on week nights.
How do you work these things out as a couple? I wish we were just "go with the flow" but we're not. We're both stubborn, competitive, and record keepers. It's becoming annoying, but I'm not sure how to drop the routine without someone feeling cheated out of their alone time?
March 6, 2011 at 9:29 AM
Honestly? And this is not going to be very helpful, I'm sorry -- but I think your situation is going to be pretty typical for most people. Setting distinct time frame/rules is just setting yourself up to break them -- it's a good idea to have a basic idea of who has main Hedgehog Duty when, but there are going to be days when one of you is more tired or frustrated than usual, and I think part of marriage/parenting is picking up the slack for your partner on your down days...so they'll do the same for you on yours. So, it sounds like your situation is normal and pretty typical. My only advice would be to make sure you continue to talk it out and just be vocal about when you're feeling exhausted or needed a little extra help, that way you each know WHY a little something more is expected of you, rather than it seeming like someone is dodging their responsiblity.
Again. I am childless, I'm just...talking...because I do it a lot. LOL. HOPE IT HELPED. Random Outsider FTW!
March 6, 2011 at 1:25 PM
The 50/50 role model (even if it's just on the weekends) is a really tough one to uphold. (In my opinion.)
But I have no idea what the right answer is...
In our house, I'm the default Harps person. There are set things Clay does (playing after work while I make dinner, then half of the bedtime routine, and the 1-2 hours after her morning nap on the weekends, when I go back to sleep) and the rest I either do or delegate. So if I want someone else to do her diaper or make her sippy or feed her I just ask.
It works for us, but would probably drive other people nuts. Sometimes I feel really frustrated that I have to ask for things, but it's the way I've set things up so I can't really complain. He's been sick/tired for a lot of her life so far, so it's how things came to be. He gives her a LOT of attention/love/playtime, so I'm (for the most part) okay with doing more diaper/food stuff.
Something I've discovered, in terms of alone time, is I need to LEAVE THE HOUSE to really be alone. He's great about saying 'later dude' to me if I want to go shopping or see a movie or whatev on the weekend. So I actually get a bit of alone time, it's just not usually at home. They both just hunt me down if I'm there.
Anywho. I think we all have different situations and different things that drive us nuts? I'd try experimenting with letting go of the 50/50 rules and seeing what happens. Maybe alternate "in charge" weekends? Where one person is the main dude in charge and delegates when they need help?
March 6, 2011 at 1:58 PM
So I'll explain my situation, and it may seem stupid to you, but it's pretty similar...just with dogs!
My partner Vince and I have two dogs, and one is a blue heeler shepard dog, meaning she NEEDS to run and go crazy everyday or she barks constantly. I hate walking her though, because when she sees another dog and she's on her leash, she'll start barking like crazy and will try to 'attack' it. It's so hard to hold onto her while also holding a big black lab, that's a total doofus and oblivious to everything around her.
Vince, on the other hand, doesn't care and just lets the dogs off their leashes anyways, so they run around the woods. I'm too paranoid that they won't listen to me and will run in the road and get run over! Because of those reasons, I just hate walking the dogs by myself.
The way I justify not having to take the dogs on walks is that I do ALL the housework. All the laundry, dishes, dinner, pretty much everything. He gives me a hard time though when I don't feel like taking the dogs on a walk! I'm also hypocritical like you though, in that I'll ask him to make dinner or wash the dishes, even though I don't take the dogs on a walk.
I got so sick of him making me feel 'guilty' for not walking him, that we had a talk over dinner and I brought up the fact of all the work I do. We're both tired when we get home from work, but we also both have our own jobs at home to do.
I guess that doesn't help you much, but it does let you know you aren't alone! Maybe what I'm trying to say is that we don't do thinks 50/50, like I walk the dogs one day and he does the next. We just do certain jobs that are better for our personalities. Again, I don't have a kid, but... =]
Also, I agree a lot with Emmy, we are there to pick up each others slack! As long as it's not happening every day, I think you guys can figure it out.
March 6, 2011 at 1:58 PM
I honestly did not know that it could be that organized, but for those of you that know me, know nothing in my life is is organized.
I am very much a go with the flow person, in all aspect of my life and in parenting.
The first four months of Nevaeh's life (now 6) I stayed up late with her, and got up in the middle of the night for bottles, while hubby slept. he would feed her in the morning and then head to work.
she and I would do our things.
Then when hubby came home from work, it was pretty much whatever, who ever was less busy, or closest to the kitchen.
bed time sometimes it came down to who was less frazzled, or us both reading stories and tucking her in.
However, I know my method is not helpful to most :-D I am sorry. but the organization of plan stresses me, somtimes K, i feel small anxiety attacks when i read your blogs.
I totally believe whatever works for you works and do it.
March 6, 2011 at 2:16 PM
Em- I think you're right! We may never really get this down 100%, but we're vocal about it and right now, that's keeping us from disaster... hah.
Amy- I love the idea of alternating "in charge" weekends. Love! That might actually be better because it wouldn't be so competitive!
Tiff- Good lord, I am NOT organized at all! haha. But I do a lot better with my own anxiety if things aren't so up in the air (as far as housework/money/baby goes). I think knowing what to expect helps to keep me calm. While I don't panic if the plan goes awry (obviously life isn't always predictable ;D), the consistency helps keep me sane.
Steff- Maybe we need to re-evaluate our jobs. Instead of doing things 50/50, we can just mostly do what we enjoy/we're good at. Unfortunately I think for Billy that would only be "playtime" - ahaha.
March 7, 2011 at 10:47 AM
This was actually a great post to read considering that I question myself that at times with my ex. When we're together we kind of just go with the flow whoever notices first that Ryu needs something then we get to it right away. Otherwise, he gets Ryu in the evenings and I'm mostly with him in the daytime. I'm sure it gets frustrating hearing your little one fuss. When I watch my son the whining and fussing almost seems completely endless. I'm sure you also need your time to completely unwind,
March 8, 2011 at 2:54 PM
I want to chime in and say that I think alternating weekends is such a good idea. I don't really think that helps a whole lot during the week though. You've given me a whole other thing to obsess about on the subject of why Nate and I aren't ready for babies ...because at this point we might throw pillows at each others faces. ;)
March 9, 2011 at 2:46 PM
I swear this topic always makes me groan. I can't get over that 95% of men, believe it's easy staying at home and always complain how hard their day was and if you even try to say you had a hard day, they laugh or scoff at you and roll their eyes. Hello!!!! Newsflash staying home with a baby all day is not freakin easy. Men think that we sit on the couch eating bon bon's all day.
My husband helps so much with Logan and is an amazing father but this past week he has had to work until ten at night every day and man o man has it been hard on me. I am literally drained by the time eight rolls around.
I get you men work hard blah blah blah but being a mother is the toughest and most stressful job there is.