We are settling into our new house.

So I was reading iMom and came across an interesting little article called 13 Danger Signs Your Child is Your Idol. I expected some humorous quips about the fact that you no longer have any pictures of yourself with friends anywhere - they've all been replaced of pictures of your kids, or the fact that you have toddler music on your iPhone, etc. etc.

The article was intended to be serious upon reading, but I found myself raising an eyebrow to a lot of the list's criteria. Out of the 13 "danger signs", here are the ones that confused me slightly & made me feel horrible for the wives of the fathers that shared this information (p.s. no mothers were apparently asked their opinion):

Okay, wait. This means my child is my idol? Can't it just mean that hormones have wreaked havoc on my body? Could it mean that it's hard getting up in the middle of the night with a teething or fussy baby? Could it mean that I don't feel as physically attractive as I used to because I weigh 30lbs heavier and have stretchmarks in strange places?

Exactly. I'm not making an effort on my appearance because I am too tired. It has nothing to do with my child being my idol. It has to do with the physical, emotional, and mental demands that comes with parenting. It takes some women longer than others to adjust to these demands, though eventually most start caring about their appearance again when they're ready.

How do you treat someone like a dad? How do you treat them like a husband? How does that at all relate to your child being your idol? Couldn't it just be because roles are generally confusing for a while after having children?

This one made me laugh out loud. I imagined a woman in an apron, baby on her hip, slaving over a steaming pot of boiling water. You know you're really obsessed with your child when you no longer cook 3 meals per day. I also love that this responsibility is automatically linked with the mother/wife as well, by the way. And I'm assuming the article also implies that this particular mother isn't working?

Listen... I didn't breastfeed so I can't really speak to this one on a personal level. But I'm going to take a wild guess based on stories I've heard that the demands/requirements of breastfeeding are extremely draining and the last thing you need to be worried about is if your husband wants "access" to parts of your body.

Breastfeeding is an important and temporary relationship with your child... feeding the baby comes before your husband's "access" and you should not feel like your child is your idol because you're not letting your husband paw you when you're sore and frustrated.

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Though I understand the importance & Biblical relevance of putting your spouse first and marriage being a higher priority than the children, the reality is that when babies are little, it is almost impossible for a woman to balance all of these expectations. We are starting to become insane about the different roles we expect a woman to fulfill perfectly - giving her lists on how she can improve who she is, throwing Biblical principles in her face to increase the pressure (the article didn't do this, but this is a common theme in many of the Christian family websites I read).

The question I have is that if the mother was really husband-centered, would she be accused of being a bad mom or neglectful because she's not baby-wearing, on-demand breastfeeding, cooking all of the baby's food, taking the baby to story time twice a week, homeschooling, sewing the baby's clothes, reading all the parenting magazines and always updating the baby's nursery?

When do we stop making mothers feel guilty and give them time to come into their own and find a healthy balance between being a mother and wife/partner? Are "danger sign" lists really necessary? What about gentle encouragement and reinforcement? What about a little respect for all of the changes the woman is going through and some understanding that she might not be perfect?

I am going to make my danger signs list entitled, "13 Danger Signs You're Making Things Worse" and hand it out to these guys that came up with this list.

 Now I gotta run... I have meals to prepare and makeup to apply before someone catches me. Oh wait, I forgot... my husband rocks and eats frozen pizza and thinks I'm cute the way I am. Guess I'm one of the lucky ones.

So I started using Google Calendar more religiously about 9 months ago or so, when I realized that my mom brain was not allowing me to even remember where I sat my glass of water down. The funniest part is that I would schedule really normal, every day activities instead of important social events or appointments.

Examples of Things I Would Schedule
-Take long shower while Everly is napping today
-Call sister
-Go get some groceries
-Clear out inbox and reply to messages

Looking at these things, it's clear I could have just made a to-do list, but instead it was necessary for me to actually schedule them, so I could look at my calendar and see how I'd been spending my time (other than changing diapers and preparing bottles).

These days, my schedule actually is more social and full of appointments. The next two weeks I have a playdate at an aquatic center, I have to pay my first payment toward student loans (ouch!), Billy's cousin Chris is coming to visit us, we close on our house & pick up the Uhaul, I have my 24 week appointment with my midwife, two renters (so far) are coming to look at the house, my dad and stepmom are coming up to visit, and I'm sending a pizza to a woman in my playgroup that just had a baby.

But I think the calendar is a good example of how motherhood has been for me. At the beginning, it was just about basic survival and whether or not I could brush my teeth that day without being too tired. As I've gained confidence and skill, my calendar has become fuller and I pride myself on being busier. I guess I feel like I can manage all of these things when before, they would have overwhelmed me.

So... new mamas... if during those first 6-12 weeks or so you feel like you have to make an appointment with your partner so they can rub your feet or maybe even a repeating "event" of eating dinner every night... do it. I promise, we've all been there and we all understand. And those things are just as important as any other "event" you did before or will do again in the future.

For now... just enjoy and love your babies. That's something that you shouldn't have to add to a calendar to remember.

Ever since I moved Momfish to blogspot.com's free hosting service and stopped posting as much, readership has declined rapidly. I definitely expected it and there were (are) days where I wanted to pop a "CLOSED!" sign up in the window of this bad boy and walk away from it. I'm not someone who has issues with walking away if I'm uncomfortable, unhappy, or unsure of something... or even if I'm just bored. Some people think it's a flaw (most) and some people think it's an admirable quality (like 4), but I think it's just the truth.

When I started Momfish, I did my predictable "thing" and over-committed myself, instead of starting at a slow and steady pace. When I over-commit myself, I almost always back out, especially if something big happens in my life... like an unexpected pregnancy.

So this post isn't to make any promises like I had been doing. When I make a promise, I almost always break it. If I tell myself, "Don't eat that chocolate cookie!" I'll eat 12 of them an hour later just to prove that I can. I guess I have an issue feeling like I'm expected to do something, a strange reluctance to accept that my mind & body should ever have to be governed by other people's rules or expectations.

Self-reflection is a positive thing, people!



But anyway.

We are moving into our new house on July 18th. It has a fenced back yard, four bedrooms that will accommodate babies and guests, a kitchen that is wide open to the living room and highly favorable for crawling munchkins, a whirlpool tub in the master bathroom, and a covered front porch so I can sit outside and sip ice water in my rocking chair and comment about the neighbors like the old soul I sometimes am.

The process of buying the house has been hectic and stressful, though not overwhelmingly so (surprisingly). A big part of that is my husband aka Superman... he somehow balances his full-time job with helping me with Everly, signing loan documents on lunch breaks, printing/scanning/faxing forms when he finds the time, and telling me my cheeks are perfect for kissing. Another part is that after you've had a baby (and I'll see if anyone agrees)... you kind of feel like you can handle anything, really.


Along with moving into our new house, we're going to rent our old one. This has been the most stressful part because that means cleaning, fixing up, advertising, waiting, and hoping. I don't like this part, but we're sure we'll have renters by August, which is what we need. God had a part in this all along and I'm going to give him the benefit of the doubt that if we put in the work, he'll help provide the fruit of our labor... or he may point and laugh at us while he snacks on popcorn... I mean, he's God, he can do whatever he wants. :)

In a couple of hours I'll be 23 weeks pregnant. Though I've been much less anxious about this pregnancy, I will admit that I am eagerly awaiting the 24 week (viability mark). And then I'll await the 28 week mark, the 32 week mark, and lastly - the 36 week mark. The pregnancy has been somewhat uneventful. Our baby boy rolls around in my belly (yes, a boy! it's a boy!) and last night Billy asked him if he'd like his name to be Billy and he kicked right on my belly button so we're assuming that was either an excited, "YES!" or an angry, "OMG WHAT?! NO!" We will continue to ask him about his name preference and take his opinion into serious consideration.



As for symptoms? Well, I'm tired. Having a one year old (yes! she turned 1!) and being pregnant does not an energetic person make. I get Braxton Hicks a lot more often, which I'm guessing is my body screaming, "PLEASE stop getting pregnant, woman!" so I try to drink water and take it easy and I have to wear a maternity support belt. Yes, really. My skin is broken out, as it did with Everly. I am just now starting the frequent night waking and frequent bathroom trips, and I'm eagerly awaiting the swollen foot phase.

The strangest part is that I'm over-joyed that we are having our babies close together. I can't imagine it any other way now that we're doing this, it is just going to be ideal for us. Hard... hard, hard, hard. But ideal.

Lastly - I've been looking for part-time jobs. I am so ready to get back into the "adult" world and interact with my clients again. However, it doesn't seem like I'm an ideal job candidate because my belly is huge and round and I scream liability so it looks like that might be on the back burner until our little boy is at least 2 or 3 months old. We'll see.

Tell me what you've been doing, Momfishies. AND tell me if you think it's tacky to have a baby shower for your 2nd baby if it's the opposite sex.

The winner of the $10 gift certificate to Thirty-One is:

 

Danielle said...

I love thirty one!!

Yayayay! Congrats, Danielle! Contact Jenny at jhaight@gmail.com or JennyHaight.com to activate your gift certificate and for more information! Thanks for all those who commented, I know Momfish hasn't had a lot of activity lately, so I appreciate you stopping by and participating! Thanks Jenny for the great giveaway opportunity & the adorable all-in-one organizer bag. I love it!