Very upset about things...

Right now you flex your toes out when you're eating, and clench your hands into fists until your belly is full.

Right now our go-to method to get you to stop crying is still bouncing on the blue birthing ball, and usually I also have to hold your hands.

Right now we think you may have colic... or just be gassy... or have a milk protein allergy... or acid reflux. You fuss after feedings, cough during them, and sometimes sound like you're wheezing. You've been prescribed Zantac and the doctor wants me to try soy. Neither sound appealing to me. We're going to go with the soy for a week and see what happens. This decision is the result of HOURS of research, self-doubting, and tears. I just want your belly to feel better and your back to stop arching.

Right now I feel like I'm totally devoted to you. Sometimes it's overwhelming and I want to wish it away... not wish *you* away... just make someone else your mother for a while. Someone more competent. More patient. Less anxious. But then I stop that way of thinking and look down at you, content in my arms, and I realize I'm exactly the person that is supposed to be holding you & comforting you. God made you for me, and he made me for you. We were created with each other in mind, just like your father and I.

Right now you eat about 2.5-3 oz every 3 hours. Your appetite has diminshed a little since you've started using the bathroom and having more acid refluxy type symptoms. But you're gaining weight! At four weeks, you were almost 8lbs! You're more like a "real" baby now.

Right now you make dinosaur noises and grunts and high-pitched noises all of the time. I'm hoping it's just normal, but something tells me it might also be related to the acid relux, and less of a cute little trait.

Right now I admit that sometimes it makes me sad that you have your little salmon patch birthmarks on your eyelids and your "Angel's Kiss" birthmarks on your forehead and under your nose because they can make you look so beat up & people sometimes ask what happened, and I have to explain that they're temporary but will still be around for a while. I love them, of course, but I imagine what your little eyes will look like when they're not so red.

Right now I worry about you a lot more than I ever thought I could worry.

Right now you love to sleep in my arms instead of anywhere else. You'll sleep there for hours.

Right now you sleep in about 4 hour chunks at night. I wake up every time to feed you, but sometimes drag your dad out of bed to help... and to be spiteful, if I'm going to be honest. :)

Right now you hate your bouncer, love car rides, and change your mind often about being worn in my Moby wrap or taken on rides in your stroller. One night you were incredibly fussy and I walked you around the neighborhood myself, carrying you in my arms, with you facing out. People stared at me like I was crazy, but you fell fast asleep.

Right now you poop on your own once per day (and you make it well known what you're doing, check out this poop-face I caught one day):

Right now you have little pieces of hair that are way longer than the others and stick out. Your tongue has a thick white coating, still. You grunt and escape from your swaddle and make me laugh. You love your mobile that lights up and sings to you. You always have dried formula around your mouth, no matter how many times I wipe it off while you eat.

Right now you get a bath once or twice per week because of your dry skin. I rarely ever cut your toenails or fingernails, I sometimes just blot you dry instead of wiping you with a wipe when you pee, and somehow you STILL smell like the best smells in the entire world, all rolled into one... kind of like your daddy.

Right now you are one month old and I struggle to figure you out. Our communication is still being synced, though it was pointed out by others that you have a bond to me that I obviously hadn't fully recognized. They noticed when I would pick you up how instantly you were soothed, and I guess I wasn't giving myself much credit.

Promise me that you'll forgive me for the mistakes that I'm going to make. Promise me that you'll remember these nights that I held and rocked you while little tears escaped your eyes. Promise me that I'll be able to fix everything just by bouncing you on a big, blue ball.

Promise me that you'll love me, no matter what.

Because I can't breathe without knowing you'll always be my little girl. My perfect, perfect little girl. I can't live unless I know that you and I will always have this intense love for each other that creates a divine dependency.

Promise me?