Everly,

I can't sleep. This is bad because you've been waking up in the middle of the night lately for an extra bottle. You're going through a growth spurt right now and you make sure to remind me of that by putting your wide open mouth on my cheek and slobbering all over me while you scream in my face. You also like to pull my hair and you've done it consistently enough that I've decided to get it cut. You win. You won't have to stare at my rat's nest any more... very sneaky on your part. I'm proud.

When the midwives laid you on my chest the day you were born, you were so beautiful. The most beautiful baby with the most delicate little features & a round nose. I would have never imagined you could get more beautiful, but you have. Every day you change slightly & become even more gorgeous. Sometimes I hold you tight to my chest and wrap my arms around you. I imagine that I freeze time and it's just you & I entangled with each other and you never get old and I never have to leave you and we're together forever, frozen. My whole life would still be perfect if all I ever got to do was rock you to sleep every minute of every day. Of course, I'd need your dad there too. He could always rub my feet while I rocked you... or give me one of his awesome shoulder massages. Now *that* would be perfect.

But we're getting off track.

You grab toys and play with them now. You talk to the TV. You still adore ceiling fans. You like to try and smother yourself by burying your face and screaming into the blanket, mattress, my shoulder... whatever. You hate "tummy time" and pretend I'm killing you when I put you on your belly. When I give you a bottle or pacifier and you *really* want it, you kind of grab onto my arms and pull me in toward you. You cry before nap time because you fight sleep like I do. I'm still awake... tonight is a perfect example.

Your birthmarks are fading and sometimes I don't want them to. You're growing more hair on top of your head than anywhere else, and if I go a couple of days without washing it, you look like a little grease bird. In the mornings when I chirp, "Good morninggggg!" a wide smile still spreads across your face. Everything blissful is in your smile. World peace could happen because of your smile. You like to dance and lift your legs up high during diaper changes. You're absolutely head over heels for your daddy. I don't blame you at all for that, he's hard not to fall for.

You still have trouble drinking bottles and it frustrates me beyond belief. I can't figure it out and it bothers me that I can't fix it for you. I want so badly to make you comfortable while you eat... I don't want anything bad to ever touch you. When I hear your belly rumble or you choke on a big gulp of milk, my heart breaks. But then you'll look at me with your clear, blue eyes and grin to let me know you're okay... and I can breathe again. I just want this part of you to get well. Maybe 4 months will be our magic fix? If not I just want you to know I'll stay here beside you. I won't give up on finding ways to comfort you.

Everly. Sometimes I think about what would happen if I died before you grew up and really "knew" me. I picture people telling you about me... telling you how I held you on my legs and talked to you all day. How I sang to you. How I kissed you over & over when you were sleeping. I want you to know me so badly and sometimes I get scared that something will happen and you won't. These thoughts aren't too common but they creep in on rainy days sometimes... and I get sad thinking about the fact that there's a chance I wouldn't get to see you grow up.

But then I stop myself.

Because in the night, when we're wrapped up in each other's gaze, breathing together... I remember how I grew you inside of me. I remember that your hands pushed against my tummy. I remember that your heartbeat grew stronger because of mine. I remember the time on the ultrasound that I laughed & you started kicking your legs in excitement.

In the morning, when I give you the first hug of the day... I remember how my singing can calm you down when nothing else will. I remember how you nuzzle into my shoulder and sigh when you need attention. I remember how you try so hard to laugh at me when I shake your rattle and make funny faces. I remember how I hold you for naps and your eyes get heavy with sleep.

And I realize it...

Our souls are inseparable. We were sewn together slowly when you were in my belly, and every day we become closer. We are versions of each other. Independent but reliant. We are lyrics in the same song. Chapters in the same book. Scenes in the same movie. Stars in the same sky.

If something were to ever happen to me and I had to leave you too early, where you couldn't remember my face exactly or all the places I took you... I know that I'd be buried deep in your soul the way you are in mine. I know that my heart is in your heart... my blood is in yours. Not even death can part us. Our love is powerful Everly, never forget that. Our love is indestructible.

I am your mother. I will always be your mother.

And you are my daughter. Always.

And I can't believe I'm so lucky.