Staying at Home with a Masters Degree
Posted by Kalen on Sunday, February 20, 2011. Filed under: Parenthood Reflections, SAHM, vulnerability, Website News, Work and School
This morning my husband ate a spoonful of peanut butter because we are out of groceries. Since I hate getting groceries, I considered this unfortunate but not too extreme, especially knowing that we have waffles left in the freezer. You don't get any sympathy from me about not having groceries until you've consumed the "strays" which usually include a couple of yogurt cups, a can of baked beans, leftover lunch meat cleverly rolled up with condiments, and the random bags of frozen vegetables.
What can I say? I'm hardcore.
So for lunch we ordered Chinese food for delivery. We got a serving of sesame chicken, fried vegetable rice, and eggrolls for $15 including tax at the place up the street. We put Everly in her highchair with her straw sippy full of formula & started ravishing our plates. After we were finished, we both cracked open our fortune cookies and read our slips of paper separately. Billy showed me his and then tossed it into the sugary sauce that was left on his plate and started cleaning up. I showed him mine and he laughed and continued scraping his plate.
"Poverty is not a disgrace," I repeated to myself. I always get the dumbest fortunes. They never seem to carry a deep meaning, and that's torture for a romantic like me. I shoveled a spoonful of rice into my mouth and stared out our back doors, thinking. There had to be some reason I got stuck with the fortune. After all... these cookies are magical and life changing and each one chooses it's owner, you know.
Poverty is not a disgrace. Poverty is not a disgrace. Make the connection, Kalen.
And it hit me. Hard.
The past couple of months, I have felt like I was in a bit of a tug-of-war with choices I've made as a mother. I sit at home most days, wiping dirty hands and kissing sticky cheeks. My Masters degree sits on a bookshelf, currently underneath some of Everly's favorite books: Suppertime for Frieda Fuzzypaws and Meeow and the Little Chairs. I looked down at my t-shirt, one I "adopted" from Billy's college days. My pants were an on-sale buy at JcPenney. I looked around the kitchen. A lot of my decor had come from Walmart... Target... Dollar General. I've just not been willing to spend a lot of money on better things, even though I'm starting to realize that buying cheap doesn't necessarily save money. I thought about the people I graduated with. They're doing private practice... case work... counseling at agencies. The most counseling I'm doing is tracking my daughter's play, which causes her to stare at me with a wrinkled brow.
The truth is... I have been struggling with letting go of my professional identity temporarily, while I focus on my personal identity as a mother. And the choice I have made to stay at home with Everly has put Billy and I in a position where we can't really enjoy what we could if I was working. We could have a bigger house. A garage. A fenced-in yard. You know... all the "finer things" in life. I mean, we don't struggle to keep our heads above water because we live modestly, and I certainly wouldn't ever refer to us as being impoverished financially... but the meaning of the fortune wasn't that literal, anyway
It was my resassurance... from whoever I felt like I needed it from.
When classmates had shared their occupational successes, I had felt excluded. When cruising the aisles of Target in a spit-up covered t-shirt and unbrushed hair, I had felt no esteem. When I'd have an argument with my husband about feeling unstimulated, I had felt confused. When I would look at my degree, just months old but already covered in a layer of dust, I had felt ashamed.
I would be lying if I didn't tell you that I sometimes felt like a disgrace. My education wasted, even if only temporarily. My student loans a harsh reminder of years of hard work that had been put on pause.
But reading that fortune and eating that crappy Chinese food... that was the moment of assurance I've needed. The epiphany. The connection. The appreciation. The grounded voice inside myself, printed on paper by some machine, shoved in a box with thousands of others, shipped to the very restaurant that would guarantee delivery to me.
It was magical.
Living within your means is not a disgrace.
Staying at home with your daughter is not a disgrace.
Being there for every smile, laugh, boo boo, and cry is not a disgrace.
But missing it would be (for me).
And so with that little fortune, I open Momfish to viewers for the 1st time. I share my mantra that I'm going to repeat over and over, every day.
I am doing good work. I am doing my best. I am valuable.
And I am rich.
February 20, 2011 at 12:51 PM
Thank you for writing this!! :D It's lovely. And I love the new digs.
February 20, 2011 at 1:17 PM
I love you Kalen! Thank you for posting this.
I struggled in the beginning, with my decision to stay home. It was easy to make the decision for us, it was the adjusting to it that got me. I felt like I was no longer "contributing" since I wasn't bringing in money for the family any longer. My hubby was amazing at helping me through this transition. He has never looked at our situation as since he brings home the money it's "his". The way he looks at it is this: We're a team, he might be the "breadwinner", but we both have very important jobs within our family. He tells me I have the most important job, and that is taking care of our daughter. He really helped me through that transitional period.
I'm going to steal your fortune, by the way. Like you and Billy, Troy and I live within our means. We definitely made sacrifices, got rid of our smart phones for the time being (it's amazing how just cutting a data plan frees up money), we've made a commitment to eliminating our debt (and not creating more debt), and I do my own version of "extreme" couponing. Like you, I feel like I'm not missing out on anything by not having the "finer things," I'd rather go without some things I want than miss those moments and milestones with my daughter.
February 20, 2011 at 1:38 PM
You go Girl!! I am soon to be staying at home with an Ed.S. degree and couldn't be prouder...counting down the days!!!
February 20, 2011 at 1:40 PM
You are an amazing lady!
February 20, 2011 at 2:00 PM
My wife suggested I read this entry because I would find it interesting. I did and it was.
I have encountered the attitude that being a stay-at-home mom is a slap in the face to feminism. That such women are down soldiers in the battle of the sexes.
HA! My wife's work at home is more important than my part of the bargain. Her daily interactions with our child are not only helping to build our daughter's self-esteem, they also build a bond, and give her time that is irreplaceable. I'm almost envious at times. I will admit that my part of the bargain is brainless and simple. I go to work, do a good job, and bring home a paycheck. Obviously there are other aspects but that is the gist in our split duties. You could train a monkey to do that. My wife is more intelligent than I am. I'm not afraid to admit that.
My wife works her ass off. I know that and I have an appreciation and admiration for her sacrifice. I never feel that I can do enough to include her in my day, my activities, anything that doesn't deal with baby.
I will never admit to reading mommy blogs... lol just not my thing unless you start incorporating fishing and hunting. Then i'm game. However good first article. I'm sure Monica will point more out as time goes on.
For the record, I would never suggest that those who choose to be working mothers are bad mothers. Not at all, never. It's a decision for each couple and not to be taken lightly.
February 20, 2011 at 4:15 PM
Thanks for the comments so far, everybody! This is exactly what I wanted for Momfish - to build a community around common issues we all face. It's nice to feel like I'm not alone.
Troy - you're doing good work yourself. Whether you were the dad or the mom bringing home the paycheck, supporting your spouse as they transition to staying at home with the baby is so crucial, especially in a society where raising children isn't always taken as "seriously" as it used to be.
I think the fortune was a perfect reminder that this feeling I have sometimes of being impoverished (emotionally/intellectually/what have you) is normal, but should be stifled quickly by my daughter's laughs and tugs at my shirt.
All parents should feel valuable in their role, whatever it may be. No one should make us feel otherwise!
February 21, 2011 at 1:10 AM
As I sit here in my lab at work, exhausted from my lil man not sleeping, I appaud you for staying home. For not thinking that you have wasted your education. The most important job in the world is being a parent. I hate missing new sounds, not being there to rock him when he's tired, or just being there to see the toothless smile as he bounces in his bouncy seat all day long (HE LOVES THAT THING- Thanks to aunt Sherry)..
But with all that being said I don't beat myself up for having to work right now.. and I'm SOOO VERY blessed to have my mother available to watch him at our home each day.
We look to the future in hopes that our situation changes some and I can stay home or at least only work part-time.. but until then I will be thankful for where we are and what we have.. We are rich just not in money :)
February 21, 2011 at 1:35 AM
Wonderfully said! Everly only grows up once!You are Blessed!
February 21, 2011 at 2:23 AM
I am so proud of you. This is going to be awesome.
February 21, 2011 at 7:04 AM
I also struggled with the transition from the work place to the stay at home mom. I gave up many of my dreams and desires. I thought I had passed over many opportunities for good.I never regretted my decision however.
That said, my last of three is going to college this fall and all the sudden doors are opening up all around. I feel vibrant, excited and ready to face the outside world again.
This is only a season. Enjoy it and stay up to date with your education. Seasons change.
PS Enjoyed your blog
February 21, 2011 at 11:03 AM
Very well put! Thank you for sharing glimpses into your life. I love being a stay at home mom, but I would be lying if I said I didn't miss the gratification of a job well done working. I'll have the rest of my life to work, I only have so many years to left as my kids grow up so quickly. Enjoyed your blog, thanks for sharing!
February 21, 2011 at 11:36 AM
LOVE this post! Didn't know you had a blog (Kindal was one grade behind me in school)...and one that would speak straight to me! I am in the same boat with a dusty Master's Degree and barely time to brush my hair! I shared your post on facebook and it has inspired many stay at home moms to feel better about their decisions. So now, when someone asks me, "So you JUST stay at home?" Your blog post will hopefully enter my mind as I smile at them and say "Yes." Thanks again and I can't wait to see what you blog about next!!
February 22, 2011 at 3:21 AM
I would like to share with you of how I became a stay at home mom. I use to work hard everyday to have it all,but one day I looked down at my little girl and said to myself she is really all that I needed and I was missing seeing her grow up I would never get it back. So it wasn't hard to see what I had to do. That night I sat down with my husband and ask him if he would support my discussion of staying home and taking care of the most important thing to us and he said that he didn't see why not. Yes I had to give up alot of things,but let me tell you I am so glad that I did because even though it was hard on us for awhile we made it work. I was more happier then I could ever be working. Yes don't get me wrong we missed the extra money,but we made it work and now I have memories of my beautiful daughter and we are very close now. She has grown up in to a lovely lady and I couldn't ask for a more better person the she has become and I think it is all because of me getting to stay home with her. So don't worry about having a job the best job you will every have is being a MOM.